


Songs About Ava

by Okay_and_Forever



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Ava Needs a Hug, Beatrice needs a hug, F/F, First Kiss, still don’t know how to tag, totally crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26721412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okay_and_Forever/pseuds/Okay_and_Forever
Summary: The world took away a piece of Beatrice, and she wants it back. She wants it back bad.—Or... the one where Beatrice has a secret journal filled with songs she wrote about Ava, and Ava accidentally finds it.
Relationships: Ava Silva/Sister Beatrice
Comments: 15
Kudos: 172





	1. Chapter 1

The world took away a piece of Beatrice, and she wants it back. She wants it back bad.

Before she was a sister warrior, before she was shipped off to Catholic boarding school, before she realized that her parents would always love her, just not all of her, Beatrice had many talents. Not that she isn’t still talented, but her skills now are just that. Skills. Useful bits of information and abilities that can help her get ahead of whatever challenges she may face.

But Beatrice used to have other talents too. Talents that weren’t exactly useful on a battlefield, or anywhere in the real world for that matter. Talents that she had picked up purely for the enjoyment that they had given her. Talents that served no other purpose than to make her smile.

That’s what the world stole from Beatrice. Her ability to do things without a specific reason. Without a mission. And now that she’s fighting to get back those few talents that she lost, she’s beginning to realize just how important they were to her. How much she needed them to survive. How much she still needs them.

One of these talents was song writing. When she was 13, Beatrice could spend hours locked away in her room, scribbling lyrics and finding melodies as her parents fought over the best way to keep up a good image. Writing songs was one of Beatrice’s favorite escape routes as a child, so it makes sense that it’s the first talent she tried to steal back from the world.

While the team was staying at Arq-Tech, training Ava, trying to locate Adriel’s tomb, Beatrice asked Jillian Salvius if she could have a blank notebook. Jillian just assumed that the notebook would be used to keep records of Ava’s training, but Beatrice had other intentions for her new journal. It would be her first songbook since she was kicked out of her home as a young teenager.

Beatrice smiled softly as she ran a hand over the cover of the now nearly full notebook, remembering the conversation that had led her to the decision she had made to start writing again. The first conversation she can remember that made her feel like more than just another sister warrior. In a good way. Of course, Beatrice can remember several conversations that made her feel like more than just another sister warrior, in a negative way.

—

_ “But why are you so mad at me?” Beatrice sees the way Ava’s face scrunches up, hears the strain in her voice, and can tell she’s hurt Ava much more than she intended to. _

_ “I’m not mad at you,” Beatrice tells her, truthfully. She isn’t mad at Ava, she just doesn’t know how to talk about her past, “I’m sorry.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” Ava’s words are anxious, yet calmer than Beatrice thinks she’s ever heard from the girl. The genuine concern and curiosity written across her face giving Beatrice enough courage to press forward in her explanation. _

_ “It’s not you, it was everyone but you,” Beatrice pauses for a moment, giving Ava a chance to interrupt her before spilling out her biggest secret. A secret that, until now, was hers and hers alone. But Ava only stares, not in a rude way, rather in a way that tells Beatrice that she has Ava’s full, undivided attention. Which is a rare thing to get from Ava, so instead of backing out, Beatrice takes a deep breath and continues her story, “My whole life, people have tried to make me into something I’m not. To make me ‘normal,’ or at least, ‘acceptable.’ I became skilled at so many things, just so I would still have value, despite my flaws. . . Or what I’d been taught was a flaw. _

_ “Of course, I tried to fit in. But when you’re punished just for being different, you begin to hate what you are. And what you love. What should make you happy. . . Only brings you pain.” _

_ Beatrice can feel the tears forming in her eyes throughout her speech. She wants Ava to know the truth about her, about how she feels, but the words are too painful to say directly. She only hopes that Ava understands the message, despite her roundabout way of getting it across. _

_ “Don’t hate what you are,” Ava’s voice is serious as she speaks, as if these are the most important words she’ll ever say, and that alone is enough to send chills down Beatrice’s spine. That, paired with the words that come out of Ava’s mouth, is more than enough to fill Beatrice’s mind with a thousand love songs, written just for the girl in front of her, “What you are is beautiful.” _

—

After that conversation, Beatrice filled up more than half of her notebook with lyrics. In hindsight, it may have been a bit obvious of her to label the start of that section with a full page of calligraphy, reading “Songs About Ava.” But even though hindsight is 20/20, love is blind. And that’s exactly what Beatrice was feeling. Pure, almost childlike, love.

So, when Ava bumped into her after dinner almost three months and countless songs later, sending all of the books Beatrice was carrying, along with the notebook, flying to the ground in different directions, it didn’t even occur to Beatrice that her songbook had fallen open. Not until Ava bent down to help her pick up all of the things she had dropped. Not until she saw the panic that shot across the halo bearer’s features when she noticed the words on the page. Panic that was surely reflected on her own face. Leaving both of them frozen, unsure of what they should say, or do, or think, or ignore next.


	2. “Let Us Be”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava keeps a secret. Beatrice has a flashback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw
> 
> parental homophobia. i know that’s vague af but that’s the best way i can think to describe it so uhm idk if you’re triggered by that read with caution.

“Beatrice,” The name left Ava’s mouth in a breathless whisper, half not knowing what to say, half scared that any of the words she decides on could scare the nun away. So, she leaves it at that. Just her name.

It seems like Beatrice has the same problem right now. Not wanting to scare the girl in front of her, not really sure what she should say. So, the name hangs awkwardly in the air, begging for a response that neither girl is ready, or willing, to give. Beatrice stutters a couple of times, opening and closing her mouth before getting any words out. Ava is literally speechless, which anyone who’s spent more than five minutes in the same room as the girl knows is not normal. Alarmingly not normal.

_ Ava, fucking snap out of it! You have to say something.  _ Ava’s internal monologue is nowhere near as silent as she is on the outside. Part of why she can’t speak is because of the endless amount of overlapping thoughts bouncing around in her brain.  _ She’s been writing about me? Songs? Wait, Beatrice is a songwriter? Since when is Beatrice into music? Since when is Beatrice into me?! Woah, okay slow down, Ava. Just because she has a bunch of songs about you doesn’t mean she’s into you. But what if she is? Do I even want her to be? Yes. Oh shit, she’s still just standing there, come on, say something! Or run. . . Yeah, running seems like a good plan right now. I’m gonna do that. _

“Uhm, are you two okay?” Lilith breaks the awkward silence, seemingly clueless as to whatever is going on right now, “Ava, you were supposed to be at training ten minutes ago.”

“W- What?”  _ Ten minutes?!  _ “I- Yeah, I was just- Sorry.”

“Just don’t let it happen again,” Lilith looked puzzled, but didn’t ask any questions. “Come on.”

“Yeah, just- one second,” Ava, now pulled completely from the frozen state she had been in, handed the notebook back to Beatrice, leaning in to whisper the next words, “We need to talk about this. Later, okay?”

Beatrice only nodded, still frozen, as Ava walked away to go train with Lilith.

__

“So,” Lilith spoke up after a few rounds sparring with the halo bearer, all of which she had easily won, “What was that about? In the hallway, you and Beatrice were just staring at each other for almost 3 minutes before I spoke up.”

“What?” Ava’s head snapped up towards Lilith, “Why were you watching us?”

“Curiosity,” Lilith deadpanned, as if her answer made it perfectly acceptable to watch them, “At first I thought you might be talking about something important, didn’t want to interrupt. After about 30 seconds though I was just waiting to see which one of you would crack first.”

“Well,” Ava sighed, knowing from experience that getting annoyed at Lilith’s creepiness would only lead to more creepiness, “I was about to run before you interrupted. In case you’re still curious about who would have broken first.”

“Interesting,” Lilith chuckled a bit at the information, “So, what was happening?”

“The aliens had us caught in their beams. Dissected our brains so they could steal our identities. Invasion starts in three days,” Ava joked instead of giving a serious answer. She had gotten closer to Lilith lately, weirdly, they were kind of friends now. In fact, Lilith was probably the first person Ava wanted to talk to about what she saw in Beatrice’s notebook. But she also knew that this was something Beatrice would prefer to keep secret, and she didn’t want to share Beatrice’s secrets like that.

“Well then,” Lilith stood up from where she had been resting on the training mat, understanding that Ava didn’t want to talk about it, “We should probably be ready to fight them off in two.”

__

Back inside, Beatrice was still frozen in place. Truth be told, she was not okay. She was trapped in her own mind for what seemed like the millionth time. Beatrice was smart enough to recognize the signs of post traumatic stress disorder, even in herself, but knowing why she kept getting lost in her worst memories did little to help her stop it from happening. Most of the flashbacks she had were of missions, situations where her sisters had been depending on her to keep them safe, and she hadn’t been able to. But this one was different. This was a memory she had tried desperately to forget, but one that was so much a part of the person she is that forgetting would change her entirely.

_ After she finished writing in her journal, Beatrice threw it onto her bed. Normally, she’d hide it inside of a dictionary she hollowed out, but she knew she would be back upstairs to add a melody to her song soon, and her parents had been so preoccupied with strategizing for their next political whatever that they had barely spoken two words to Beatrice in as many days, so she didn’t see the point in hiding the book. _

_ Her mother had never taught her how to cook, and only bothered to make anything if they had company over, but that was okay. She could always heat up a frozen dinner if she got hungry. So, that’s exactly what she did. Almost every night. _

_ Beatrice was on her way back upstairs when she heard something particularly strange. Footsteps. In her bedroom. She took the rest of the steps two at a time, practically sprinting back to where she had left the journal. If her parents saw the things she’d written in there- _

_ “What is this?” Beatrice’s mother lifted the journal up casually. _

_ “Private,” Beatrice bit out a nonanswer while making an attempt to snatch back her journal, but she didn’t reach it, “Could I please have that back?” _

_ “I’ve already read it,” Beatrice felt like the room’s gravity had suddenly increased tenfold at her mother’s comment, “I don’t love the way you’ve characterized me, although I’m far more concerned about this Desiree character. Don’t you have a friend by that name?” _

_ “I don’t-,” _

_ Before she could stutter out her denial of the obvious, her mother cut her off by reading a verse from her journal. _

_ “I’ll tell them after I propose _

_ send invites out, hope they show _

_ it’s you and me, sweet Desiree _

_ I’m thinking they should never know. . . _

_ “Know what, Beatrice? That you’ve been sneaking around with someone you are more than aware your father and I disapprove of? Or that you’ve somehow become involved in a gay relationship? Do you know the scandal this would cause for us if word got out!” _

_ “Wow,” Beatrice was fully aware that she’d have a breakdown if she tried to be anything but sarcastic, so she just crossed her arms, rolled her eyes, and responded with the first thing she thought of, “Great job proving my point there, Mum.” _

_ “I don’t need this kind of disrespect from you, writing as if I don’t love you, as if I’m the problem,” her mother sighed, “Your behavior lately has become too much of a problem for your father and I to correct on our own. Pack up, Beatrice. You’ll leave for boarding school tomorrow morning.” _

_ With that, her mother dropped the journal, and walked out of Beatrice’s room. Tears finally falling down Beatrice’s face as she read back over the song she had written. _

_ “(verse) _

_ darling girl, let me explain _

_ i know that i’ve been acting strange _

_ i kiss and run, i hurt in fun _

_ a secret love excruciates _

_ no, they would never let us be _

_ our families are so different _

_ my parents never listen _

_ but i know your mum loves me _

_ every night, i’m crying out _

_ (chorus) _

_ “oh, let us be _

_ oh, let us be _

_ it's hard to understand your truth _

_ cause you know it’s killing me _

_ oh, let me be _

_ oh, can i be? _

_ if a part of you feels love for me _

_ i’m begging, let us be” _

_ (verse) _

_ i’ll tell them after i propose _

_ send invites out, hope they show _

_ it’s you and me, sweet Desiree _

_ i’m thinking they should never know _

_ still, every night, i’m crying out _

_ (chorus) _

_ “oh, let us be _

_ oh, let us be _

_ it's hard to understand your truth _

_ cause you know it’s killing me _

_ oh, let me be _

_ oh, can i be? _

_ if a part of you feels love for me _

_ i’m begging, let us be” _

_ (bridge) _

_ i know the point is mute _

_ they love me, but not with you _

_ i know we’re over soon _

_ spent enough time hiding out _

_ need to share your truth _

_ know you can’t keep me a secret _

_ so, every night, i’ll be crying out _

_ (chorus) _

_ “oh, let us be _

_ oh, let us be _

_ it's hard to understand your truth _

_ cause you know it’s killing me _

_ oh, let me be _

_ oh, can i be? _

_ if a part of you feels love for me _

_ i’m begging, let us be _

_ oh, just love me _

_ oh, please love me _

_ it’s hard when you don’t get to choose _

_ but i need you, just love me’” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, this got super emo at the end there haha... wanted to write something about the whole “i wasn’t falling in line, so they shipped me off to catholic boarding school” part of Beatrice’s past but then writing it felt super awkward so,,, anyway! leave opinions in comments and kudos plssss
> 
> also,,, i got a little siamese kitten today and named her Beatrice! i now have a warrior cat! haha


	3. Personal Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Forget about my  
> Personal space  
> (hey, hey)  
> I want you in my  
> Personal space”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that all songs in this story were written by me, unless stated otherwise. So, please don’t share the lyrics anywhere without my consent. Thank You!

Ava found Beatrice sitting cross-legged in the same spot she had bumped into her nearly two hours ago. Her hair was an absolute mess from pulling at it in an effort to relieve the stress that the situation had brought on. Her left hand bleeding from the spot where she had begun to scratch for the same reasons. And her eyes glazed over in a familiar disconnection from the present that Ava herself has experienced many times.

“Jesus, Bea,” Ava knelt down in front of the girl, almost asking if she’s okay, then deciding that the answer was obvious, “Have you been here this whole time?”

“Hmm?” Beatrice hummed softly in acknowledgment that she had heard Ava, though it was clear she didn’t understand the words.

“Can I help you up,” Ava knows that whenever she’s been in a state like the one Beatrice is in now, sometimes being touched makes her panic, so she wants to get permission for everything right now. She knows she needs permission to help.

“What?” Beatrice shifts her eyes slightly towards Ava.

“You’re on the floor, Bea,” Ava gently explains what’s going on, knowing that Beatrice is probably stuck in her own mind, reliving something she wishes she could forget, “Can I help you get up?”

Beatrice nods her head, but makes no effort to verbally answer. That’s okay, Ava understands. She helps Beatrice off of the floor, and slowly walks her into the kitchen, setting her down in a chair at the table.

“I’m getting you something to drink, okay?” Ava calls out from the fridge, hearing a soft hum in response. She grabs a ginger ale and a straw before making her way back to the table, setting the drink in front of Beatrice, “Here, you need to drink something. Ground yourself here again.”

Beatrice takes a few sips of the drink before actually moving to pick up the glass on her own, her eyes slowly becoming less glazed and more present.

“Good, now I need you to try to repeat after me, okay?” Beatrice nods once in response to Ava’s request, “Sky.”

“Sky,” Beatrice repeats slowly, shakily.

“Gray.”

“Gray,” Less shaky.

“Vanilla.”

“Vanilla?” A small laugh, a question. Good, she’s starting to come back to reality.

“Berries.”

“Berries,” Strong. More confident.

“A, C, J, D, R, X, Y,” Ava moves from common words to randomized letter patterns. She needs to make sure Beatrice can hold her focus.

“A, C, J, D, R, X, Y?”

“Good, good, one more,” Ava smiles reassuringly and Beatrice nods, ready, “Hippo, Peanut, Squirrel, Elizabeth.”

“Hippo, peanut, squirrel, Elizabeth.” Beatrice repeats the random string of words back.

“Feeling better now?”

“Yes,” Beatrice looks into Ava’s eyes, not even embarrassed to have broken down in front of the girl, “How did you know how to do that?”

“I used to get stuck in my own head a lot. At the orphanage,” Ava explains, “Not much to do when you’re paralized besides think about everything you can’t change. The nuns never helped, I think they were glad I shut up for a while, but eventually Diego got a book from the library and learned how to pull me out of it.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Beatrice looked at Ava with concern.

“Nah, don’t be,” Ava quickly tried to steer the focus back onto Beatrice, “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Not particularly,” Beatrice sighed, “But if you think it might help.”

“It always helped me.”

“When I was younger, I had uhm I had a girlfriend. Her name was Desiree. I wrote a song about her in my old notebook, and my mum found it.” Beatrice paused to take a breath, “She was furious. Sent me off to boarding school the next day, no goodbyes, no explanations, nothing. So, when you saw what I had been writing, I just-,” Beatrice trailed off, letting the rest explain itself.

“You got stuck in the memory,” Beatrice nodded at Ava’s statement, “I need you to know, Bea, I would never push you away, or judge you, or do anything to make you feel bad for who you are. I get it, okay? You still have trouble accepting yourself, and those songs are a coping mechanism for you. Just like repeating random words, except with more talent involved. When I said we needed to talk it wasn’t to make you feel bad, I just need to understand what you’re feeling. But if you aren’t ready to talk about it yet, I won’t push you. Okay?”

“Okay.”

__

“Hey, Ava?” Beatrice spoke up from her spot on her bed, dropping the book she had been (staring blankly at, not even noticing it was upside down) reading, “Do you still want to talk? A-About the songs?”

“Only if you’re ready to talk about them,” Ava tried to contain herself at the question, a hopeful grin making its way onto her face despite her best efforts to keep her cool.

“Well, not exactly,” Ava’s heart sunk for a moment before she saw Beatrice reach into a small box beside her bed, and pull out an iphone, “But I am ready to let you listen. Only to one of them though.”

“Omg, yes!” Beatrice let out a soft chuckle, despite her nerves, at how excited Ava got.

“Now, I’m not  _ technically  _ allowed to have a smartphone, so don’t tell  _ anyone  _ that I own this,” Beatrice warned as she unwrapped the earbuds from around her phone, before tapping the screen a few times to find the right recording, “Here.”

“Breaking the rules, huh?” Ava smirked as Beatrice handed her the phone, “Kinda badass.”

“Just play the song, dummy,” She poked Ava’s shoulder playfully as the girl hit play, and Beatrice’s voice flooded through the headphones.

_ “forget about my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ i want you in my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ (verse) _

_ i keep slipping away _

_ right now starts to fade _

_ the colors all change _

_ now the reds look like grays _

_ it’s easy to say _

_ “just breathe, it’s okay,” _

_ it’s not their relived pain _

_ sunny days spent in the shade _

_ (pre chorus) _

_ and i hate that you’ve been here _

_ so many times before _

_ just come closer my dear _

_ (chorus) _

_ forget about my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ i want you in my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ and when the memories get painful _

_ cut like knives into my bubble _

_ you know your place _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ want you to replace _

_ all the darkness in my _

_ personal space _

_ (verse) _

_ i was slipping away _

_ right now started to fade _

_ the colors all changed _

_ all the reds turned to grays _

_ you keep me in my place _

_ ground my mind in today _

_ colors stay the same _

_ hints of red on your face _

_ (prechorus) _

_ and i hate that you’ve been here _

_ so many times before _

_ just come closer my dear _

_ (chorus) _

_ forget about my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ i want you in my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ and when the memories get painful _

_ cut like knives into my bubble _

_ you know your place _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ want you to replace _

_ all the darkness in my _

_ personal space _

_ (bridge) _

_ every scratched out memory _

_ writing left in my brain _

_ draw a line through tragedies _

_ permanent ink, i can’t erase _

_ it’s been too long in agony _

_ i change like middle school class _

_ forgetful bystanders leave _

_ move on like girls in my past _

_ but i’m still stuck in these days _

_ except for when you invade _

_ my personal space _

_ (chorus) _

_ so, forget about my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ i want you in my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ and when the memories get painful _

_ cut like knives into my bubble _

_ you know your place _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ want you to replace _

_ all the darkness in my _

_ personal space _

_ (hey, hey) _

_ know you can replace _

_ all the torment in my _

_ personal space” _

When the song ended, Ava just sat there, breathless, until she remembered to speak. Even then all she managed to say was, “Woah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so late, my life has been really hectic lately. I got hired for a new job recently, so I’ve been in training for that, and I’m having to switch to a new psychiatrist so I’ve been trying to figure that out, and then my big brother got married yesterday with less than 24 hours planning so that was a lot haha... anyway, hopefully now that all that is done with i’ll be able to update more often.
> 
> anyway, what do you think? would you want me to post my recordings of the songs so you can hear how they sound? let me know please!
> 
> (btw i based Ava’s little “repeat after me” exercises on how my family helps me when i have flashbacks or a panic attack, and it really works, so if you ever need help coping with something like that and you don’t already have a strategy that works for you, i would try having someone give you random things to repeat like in the chapter... just a suggestion)

**Author's Note:**

> Mainly just writing this to get back some of my own lost talents, cause my angel numbers told me too. Writer’s block has been killing me for like two years now, so this might be multi chapter if I can manage to get through that. Comments and Kudos would be a BIG help! Hope you like it!


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